My phone sent me a notification from Facebook today that you posted on my wall, but there was nothing there. I assumed it was a mistake or spam, but my stupid little girl brain made up a million scenarios for what could have actually happened. I realized, though, that it was more fun to dream about being close with you than to actually have it happen. I hear happy songs sometimes, though, and I imagine being happy and dancing in my new home with my faceless soul-mate that I would love to be you. Or would I. I have no idea. I’m not entirely upset that this crush came back after all these years because it means I actually can feel something for someone without feeling guilty or as if I SHOULD feel guilty. I never would feel guilty about it, but now I know that I don’t care if anyone is upset about my life, feelings, or decisions. Because they’re mine. Still, I know this crush will be nothing more than that. It’s unfortunate, but I’m actually very happy. I know what qualities I like and dislike, and if by some miraculous act of God you feel the same way, it will be a pleasant surprise. But I’m not going to wait and pray for it to happen. I exist outside of other people.
However, I wish your face wasn’t so cute. That’s the hard part.